ROCKFORD, MI — Several sources have come forward to accuse local man Bryce Harrison of stolen valor after the 54-year-old appeared in public wearing an “I Voted” sticker that he had purchased on Amazon.
According to allegations, Harrison is wearing the badge of an upright citizen despite the fact that the uncivic loser has not been within 3 miles of a voting booth this entire election season and used his absentee mail-in ballot to light a fire in his livingroom fireplace a few weeks ago.
“It’s like, bro, there are literally people who stood in line for seven hours today to win that sticker, and you’re going to disrespect them like that?” said Charles Ingersol, a former friend of Harrison. “Not cool, dude — there are Americans who have sacrificed their time, personal lives, jobs, and sanity to get that sticker and you spent $6.37 on Amazon. Get a life, man!”
Harrison has reportedly been ostracized by most of his hometown. Many local businesses have put out signs reading “No anti-Americans here — beat it Bryce.” The FBI has allegedly added Harrison to its list of people to nab after pro-life grandmas and Latin Mass Roman Catholics.
At publishing time, Harrison had been received back into the loving arms of his community after he bit the bullet and waited for eight hours in line to get the exact same sticker from an election official.
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