WASHINGTON—With cortisol levels spiking to all-time highs, the stressed-out U.S. populace reportedly asked former President Barack Obama on Tuesday if it could bum 340 million cigarettes. “Hey, man, if we could have one, or maybe 340 million, that would be great,” Americans across the country said as they paced tensely around their homes, continuously refreshed their social media feeds, and sat in bars with their arms crossed and eyes glued to TV screens. “We don’t normally smoke, but a cig would really hit the spot right now. Our nerves are just fried. We really need something to cut the stress. If you need all 340 million of them, though, we understand.” At press time, reports confirmed the nation had followed-up by asking Obama for 340 million lights.
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