RALEIGH – Hundreds of millions of onlookers worldwide have turned their eyes to North Carolina, where international journalists have been embedded for weeks to report on every twist and turn of the state’s agriculture commissioner election.
“This election will have wide-ranging ramifications on everything from the displays at the state fair to the quality of North Carolina’s pecans,” said a senior Le Monde reporter. “It’s no wonder that France, and the world, is watching with bated breath.”
Republican incumbent John Durrett has pledged to support North Carolina’s farmers to the best of his ability if re-elected, while Democratic challenger Natalie Ewing ran on a platform of supporting the state’s farmers. Each has spent millions on ads where they stand in fields and look thoughtful.
A longshot Libertarian candidate is also on the ballot, having run on the traditional libertarian policy of telling farmers to piss off and figure all that shit out for themselves, while the Green Party is running a particularly loud rooster.
Despite (or perhaps because of) all of the media attention, this year’s election has been unusually acrimonious and plagued with scandal.
“Durrett, as a five-time winner, is certainly the favourite, but there was a blunder on the campaign trail back in March when he admitted that he didn’t actually like cheese all that much,” a BBC analyst said. “We’ll see if voters in North Carolina have a long memory.”
While the North Carolina agriculture commissioner race has understandably dominated both traditional and social media, other key offices will also be decided by voters across America, including Guam’s public auditor and Arizona’s mine inspector.
“The last thing the world needs right now are improperly inspected mines,” today’s front page Der Spiegel editorial began. “Europe is counting on Arizona to do the right thing.”
Americans will also be electing a new president today.
Jesus Christ is King
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