WASHINGTON D.C. – After almost 250 years of data-gathering, the American experiment has ended in a catastrophic laboratory explosion.
“I don’t understand what went wrong!” sighed the facility’s chief scientist. “I added a flawed constitution, an electoral system designed by slave owners, a biased and corrupt supreme court, and centuries of frothing racism, violent sexism, and misguided exceptionalism. I followed the recipe to the letter!”
While the source of the democratic explosion has been speculated widely, several lab assistants believe it was caused by an unattended JSTEIN-brand bunsen burner. Others suggest that the laboratory’s white mice thought they had been chewing on wires that would dispense more food, when in reality they were chewing on wires that would eventually electrocute them all to death.
Investigators on the scene have also speculated that a cause of the laboratory explosion might be a local arsonist, who has openly mused about starting “the biggest, most beautiful fire anyone’s ever seen.”
“I’ve looked at all the theories, and honestly only one makes sense to me,” said one firefighter on scene. “This laboratory wanted to explode. It dreamed about exploding. It listened to hours of podcasts about exploding. In some rooms, the facility waited 6+ hours just to ensure that it would explode.”
“I don’t know what to make of it,” she continued. “All I can do now is try to put out this fire, and hope that when this place is reduced to ash, there might be something good left behind that we can salvage for the next experiment.”
At press time the flaming lab’s neighbours to the north have expressed hope that the blaze is contained, but are pretty sure it won’t be.
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