WASHINGTON—Sinking deep into the blissful delusion that they were the “Chairman of the Board,” residents of the mentally broken nation reportedly began dressing and speaking like Frank Sinatra on Wednesday. In what appeared to be an increasingly bizarre coping mechanism, the deeply unwell Americans—regardless of their age, their cultural background, or what part of the country they lived in—were emulating the late crooner’s style by donning oversized pinstriped sharkskin suits, silk ties, and trilby hats, as well as carrying around a whiskey on the rocks. The troubled U.S. populace was also heard muttering “In llama land, there’s a one-man band, and he’ll toot his flute for you” and “Here comes Ol’ Blue Eyes, the Sultan of Swoon, the Voice” under their breath as they snapped their fingers. At press time, reports confirmed violence had broken out in the streets as the American people began tussling over a toupee.
