CHAPPAQUA, NY—Pressing her finger to the recently defeated candidate’s lips and urging her not to be afraid, a cloaked Hillary Clinton reportedly beckoned Kamala Harris to follow her into the woods Thursday morning. “Come, it’s time for you to join me beyond the pines—surrender yourself to the embrace of nature,” said the 2016 Democratic presidential nominee, pulling back her hood, smiling gently, and offering a hand to Harris as John Kerry emerged from a distant spruce wearing a flowing linen shawl to assure the vice president that it would all be okay. “There are wonders here, where the sunshine breaks through the canopy and the cryptids nurse from the stream. Each hour is a year, and each breath is a blessing. Now listen to the leaves and let them guide every step you take. Here you are safe. Here you are free. Here you are with her.” At press time, reports confirmed Harris’ eyes had dilated as she gazed into the abyss and waited for acceptance by the forest spirits.
