PHOENIX, AZ — Election authorities in Arizona proudly announced today that their round-the-clock efforts have at last resulted in another successfully counted ballot.
“Ladies and gentleman — we did it,” announced Arizona elections chair Carl Bunton. “After counting this ballot, we can now update the country that we have counted five votes for Trump, and four votes for Harris. Just three million ballots to go.”
Citizens of Arizona hailed the news of the counted ballot, saying it’s a sign of the improved voting processes from 2020. “Nine ballots in five days? Wow, we’re crushing it. Way to go, Arizona,” said local man Kevin Ralston. “Heck, we might find out who our representatives are before the next election. I’m proud of my state.”
With other states somehow counting ballots literally one hundred times faster than Arizona, many have speculated as to why the process is so slow. “I presume it’s all being done by one lady named ‘Marge’ using an abacus,” said local woman Sylvia Rodriguez. “Also, I presume Marge is dead.”
At publishing time, Arizona had retracted the announcement of the ninth counted ballot as there was a mismatch on the signature line.
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