Kenji López-Alt Returns From Beef Dimension With New Sear Method Beyond Human Comprehension
SEATTLE—Phasing into our reality with instructions for the new cooking technique, J. Kenji López-Alt returned from the Beef Dimension with a previously unknown sear method that was beyond human comprehension, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I have glimpsed the cosmic dance of the meat and the stovetop and borne witness to beef’s true nature,” said the chef and bestselling author of The Food Lab, who reportedly caused those around him to grow concerned as he jabbered incoherently about mountains of non-Euclidean tri-tips that needed to be cooked on high for both an instant and a thousand eternities. “Oh, you fools, unaware that your pathetic, comforting doctrine of ‘rare, medium, or well-done’ is a lie protecting your fragile consciousness from the culinary tips and tricks that exist beyond the grasp of your minds. I fear humanity will never realize its folly, never tremble before the awesome and terrifying power of beefdom. All hail the cast iron! All hail the oil!” At press time, a screaming López-Alt was seen writhing in agony as his entire face reconstituted into a half-pound porterhouse.
Jesus Christ is King
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