SAN CARLOS, CA — Tesla has just released a long-awaited addition to its lineup of self-driving cars. According to several sources, the brand-new Tesla Model W is a self-crashing car designed especially for women.
According to several sources, the model has been in testing since well before the Cybertruck, though it has only just been cleared for production.
“Initially, it just wouldn’t crash consistently enough,” said Marc DeNaal, chief engineer on the project. “It was parking way too smoothly for most women and we couldn’t get it to run into curbs often enough to suit our women beta testers. It’s just dandy now, though — it’ll slam on the brakes completely unexpectedly as soon as it senses any cars within the next three miles of open highway. And it’s almost as good as a real human female at rear-ending other drivers. We’ve programmed it to automatically call any contact labeled ‘Hubby’ right afterward.”
According to Tesla sources, the new model contains other women-specific features, like a maps app that will bring up a dozen different restaurants but won’t let you select any of them, as well as extra-large cupholders for Stanley tumblers.
At publishing time, crashes from the new model had already surpassed crashes from drivers trying to take pictures of Cybertrucks.
A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!
BIG NEWS: We made a movie, and you can watch the trailer NOW:
Comments are closed.