Much has been made about President-Elect Donald Trump’s decision to place Robert F. Kennedy Jr. in charge of the Department of Health and Human Services, with some members of the media speculating that it will end life in America as we know it. But just what plans does RFK Jr. have in store to make America healthier?
The Babylon Bee has obtained the following list of things Kennedy is preparing to implement:
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Require all the fat kids to run behind the bus to school: Pick up the pace, tubbies.
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Limit movie theater popcorn buckets to only 5 gallons: You’ll run out of popcorn before the trailers end.
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Allow BLM protesters to burn down all Coldstone Creameries: Direct the Left’s tactics in the right direction.
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Remove all seed oils from deep-fried Twinkies: All deep-fried Twinkies must now be fried in pure beef tallow, as God intended.
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Reduce Double-Stuf Oreos to 1.75-Stuf Oreos: To get a healthier country, sacrifices have to be made.
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Make diabetes illegal so people won’t be able to get it: Just like cocaine and heroin.
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All McDonald’s ads must feature only very fat and ugly people: And the food must look just as underwhelming as it does in real life.
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Require restaurant menus to contain a picture of RFK’s disapproving face next to unhealthy items: Highly effective.
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All vaccines must have one of those cartoon skull and crossbones “POISON” symbols on the side: You’ll think twice before getting jabbed.
After implementing the simple measures above, America will be fit, trim, and healthy in no time. Give us your own ideas in the comments below.
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