OTTAWA – The Conservative Party of Canada has officially announced that in addition to walkable cities, vaccines, and transgender children, they are also deeply afraid of eating bugs.
“We WON’T Eat Bugs,” the CPC said in an online petition it posted this week. “No one is asking us to, but we’re so scared someone might, and it could be Justin Trudeau. And that makes us furious and so very frightened of this version of Justin Trudeau that we made up who is making us eat bugs.”
“And this version of Justin Trudeau that we made up could be anywhere. He could be behind you right now, holding a large squirming beetle, which he’s… he’s… he’s gonna make you eat!”
Many political scientists believe the reason rightwing politicians become hysterical at the idea of eating insects is due to the fact that in school, all of them were either the kind of children who made other children eat bugs, or the kind of children who would’ve made other children eat bugs if they’d possessed the upper body strength to do so.
“Like all bullies, conservatives are deeply afraid of pretty much everything,” said Dr. Abigail Petrie, the head of the Political Science Department at McGill University. “They mask their terror with anger, but beneath their performative rage you’ll find a person who is terrified of anything and everything. Sadly, rather than simply coping with their anxiety in a healthy way, conservatives lash out, like a dog attacking a vacuum cleaner while pissing itself in fear.”
To get a better idea of how Canadians as a whole feel about the issue of edible insects, we asked numerous Canadians with a variety of political beliefs if they’d ever consider eating bugs.
“I’ve never intentionally eaten a bug, but it sounds kinda cool. I hear chocolate-covered crickets are delicious,” said one NDP voter.
“I mean, as long as the insects meet food safety standards and taste good, sure, why not?” said one Liberal voter. “It’s like eating shrimp. Looks weird, but who cares about how food looks?”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” said one Conservative voter, before taking off in a blind panic and running straight into a brick wall. Several others fainted dead away, so we assume the answer to our question was no.
At press time, a visibly quivering Pierre Poilievre was introducing legislation in the House of Commons to ban UN employees from hiding under the beds of Canadians.
