OTTAWA – As the re-election of Donald Trump sends shockwaves throughout geopolitics, experts within Ottawa’s Department of National Defence warn that the temperamental US president may be closer than ever to locating Canada on a map.
“Canada mainly got through the first Trump administration thanks to the fact that he thought we were somewhere in Europe,” reports Defence Intelligence Officer Rhonda MacKenzie.
“However, reports from our shared Five Eyes intelligence indicate Trump recently caught a few minutes of Schitt’s Creek on a plane, and is now closer than ever to realizing that we’ve been north of him this entire time.”
Reports indicate that, should President-elect Trump become aware of Canada’s location, any number of drastic policies are on the table.
“We could be talking tariffs, border restrictions, or honestly just declaring Don Jr. ‘king of all Canadian water’,” muses MacKenzie. “Possibly even the mass deportation of Canadian Ryans, including Gosling and Reynolds, who are working in the United States.”
Should Trump eventually deduce the geographical location of Canada, experts predict with 70% certainty that he will immediately launch a retaliatory nuclear strike on Winnipeg “to punish us for sneaking up on him”.
While experts have chillingly predicted that Trump may soon be able to identify Canada on a globe, others have offered hope.
“I don’t often say this as a medical professional, but we’ve really got dementia on our side here,” explains Dr. Arthur Anderson of the Calgary Alzheimers Research Alliance.
Dr. Anderson elaborates, “Given how much of the campaign President Trump spent rambling to Joe Rogan and jerking off microphones, the prognosis indicates that by January he won’t be able to find a bathroom unassisted, let alone Canada.”
“As well,” notes Anderson, “apparently any time one of his aides tries to tell him that Canada is the US’s neighbour, Trump has immediately fired these aides for daring to imply that they know something he doesn’t.”
“Still, it may only be a matter of months, or even weeks, before the United States president can pinpoint the world’s second largest country by landmass. We have to hurry.”
To protect Canada’s currently-hidden location, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has announced a mutual defence treaty with president Lula da Silva of Brazil, wherein both countries will answer the phone claiming to be each other should Trump attempt to call them.
Meanwhile, CSIS agents have enacted a bold plan to re-draw the country’s location on every map included in Trump’s “Where In The World Is The Hamburglar?” Happy Meals.
