OSHAWA, ON – Local indie band The Kneeling Neils have announced a new concert tour to recover the financial losses from their previous tour.
The indie folk rock outfit shared the news after the final tally for their most recent tour left them in the red. “Seriously, Neil K. had to sell his blood after one show,” says frontman/mandolinist Neil J. “So obviously the only solution is to do it all over again.”
Touring costs have risen astronomically in recent years, further devastating a music industry already eroded by corporate greed and everyone who destroyed their family computer using Kazaa in 2003. But the band’s new manager is adamant that this tour will be different.
“My buddy knows this promoter in Kincardine who pays an extra hundred bucks a gig,” says manager and Neil N.’s cousin Neil M., apparently unaware it will cost the band $110 in gas. “Plus, last time they toured during rain season. A tour in January? Totally different story. No weather issues.”
The various Neils have gone to great lengths to reduce the cost of their upcoming tour, including using Neil B.’s mom’s minivan instead of a tour bus, having Neil C.’s dog run the merch stand, firing Neil D., and halving everyone’s per diems by calling it intermittent fasting.
“It’s bad, man. Our bassist can’t afford strings. Our fiddler can’t afford a roof. Our drummer’s using chopsticks from the gas station sushi we had for breakfast,” says rhythm guitarist Neil O., calling from the emergency room the band went to after eating the aforementioned sushi.
When asked if streaming revenue could help offset tour costs, he revealed the band makes so little from Spotify they had to cancel their own Spotify Premium subscriptions. And also their health insurance.
“But hey, at least we’re living the dream, right?” says harpist/harmonist/harmonicist Neil H. as he works his remote day job as a Zoom nanny. “When I spent thousands of dollars and countless hours honing my craft, I definitely dreamed that my livelihood would one day be dependent on selling screen printed toques and novelty records to people who don’t even own a turntable.”
At press time, band members were reportedly considering other, more financially stable careers, including Canadian television writer, freelance podcast critic, and online satirist.
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