NEW YORK—After being forced to eat McDonald’s on the private jet of President-elect Donald Trump, a visibly sweaty Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly performed surgery on himself this weekend to extract a Big Mac from his stomach. “I have to cut the McDonald’s out before it attacks my other organs,” said the nominee for secretary of health and human services, taking a big swig from a bottle of raw milk to calm his nerves, dumping the rest of it onto his stomach to sterilize the incision point, and then biting down on his belt to mute his own screams as he dragged a scalpel across his skin. “I can feel it spreading—I must work quickly. It’s vital that I retrieve every last sesame seed from inside my digestive tract before I succumb to the poison. Even the lettuce has been tainted by the oils and must be removed.” At press time, reports confirmed Kennedy had brought the scalpel up to his heart after learning the special sauce had entered his bloodstream.
