Every Movement In Man’s Burrito-Eating Technique Informed By Past Burrito Tragedies

GLENDALE, CA—Rotating the tortilla-wrapped meal to consume the Mexican food in even levels, eyewitnesses reported Thursday that every movement in local man Eddy Azarian’s burrito-eating technique has been informed by past burrito tragedies. “You can see how he massages the outside to get an a well-balanced distribution of ingredients as he goes, so you know that’s a man who has lost some carne asada to a floor before,” said friend Mike Fuentes, who noted the concentration on Azarian’s face as he rolled down the foil to form an even and tactile seam out of biting range. “Just look at that grip, perfectly spaced and easy to shift on the fly. And then he rolls it at regular intervals, making sure none of the juices or grease pool in one area and leaks out. You know every memory of rice spilling out or guacamole getting lumped in a corner is running through his head as he works. The way he takes a bite from the center and then works to the exterior so nothing is at risk of spilling. He’s seen too many burrito catastrophes for one lifetime and he doesn’t want to experience one again.” At press time, Azarian was reaching for a napkin after propping up his burrito against a cup of fountain soda he assumed to be full enough.

The Onion

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