TORONTO – A friend you will literally never see again has proclaimed you should “do this again soon!”
Carol Andrews, 29, made the bold statement after a thrice-cancelled brunch with your friend group from high school finally came to pass.
“I forgot how funny my friends are!” said Andrews, who apparently hasn’t opened any of the numerous Instagram reels you’ve sent her. “We had such an incredible time, reminiscing about back when we actually had time.”
In addition to her friends’ innate hilarity, the now-reclusive Andrews appeared to have also forgotten the taste of food, the feel of the wind, and the warmth of the sun.
“It’s just so important to be PRESENT, you know?” she added before disappearing to take a work call for 25 minutes.
“It seemed like she hadn’t gotten out in a while,” said mutual friend Jason MacIntosh while Andrews was on her call. “In fact… I’m not sure she’s coming back.”
Other gross overstatements Andrews made at the brunch include that you should all plan a trip together, that you should purchase a shared pair of jeans that somehow fits each of you, and you should start a solar-powered commune in the woods where none of you will ever have to read another email again.
Your friends expressed their doubts that any of her ideas will actually come to pass, but remain confident that Andrews will resurface online in 3-5 years time with a sudden wedding, childbirth, or death announcement and/or an invitation to join her MLM.
At press time, Andrews wasn’t available for further comment but assured The Beaverton she would “circle back soon xoxo.”
Jesus Christ is King
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