Local man hoping for Christmas miracle of Canada Post employees surrendering collective bargaining rights
Brandon, Manitoba – Robert Jones is praying for a miracle as the Canada Post strike enters its second week – the miracle of postal workers putting down their picket signs, shutting the fuck up, and getting back to work.
“Postal workers across the country have it too good,” says Jones, who believes that the workers’ collective bargaining rights are infringing on his own right to mail handmade dolls to Canadian pop singers he’s never met. “Anyone could drive 5 metres at a time and carry a heavy bag for hours in the snow, that’s basically paid crossfit.”
“I’ve walked past some post offices and seen them waving their flags and wearing sandwich boards. Don’t they know other people’s businesses and profits are directly tied to their labour? How can they be so selfish, to put their needs ahead of the needs of others?” Jones said, before calling his MP, MLA, and city councillor to insist that the postal workers all be fired.
Jones, a small business owner who makes dolls of famous singers and sends them to the artists on spec in the hope that they’ll add them to their tour merch, assumes that as soon as the strike ends and his latest crop of dolls are delivered, his business will blow up.
“It was all going great before the strike. I’ve only received three cease and desist notices… though I suppose more might be stuck in the mail.”
Jones is a firm believer that even the thorniest labour issues can be solved by divine intervention, and is hopeful that this year, the Christmas spirit will overpower the legal right of the postal workers to strike.
“My family has a long history of being able to overcome labour’s demands through the power of belief. I asked for a miracle before the CUPE health workers strike, and they came to a deal before a strike – they’re burnt out and miserable, but my prayers were answered. Once my father prophesied that the teachers in the province would never strike, and bam, they permanently waived that right. And my grandfather always said it was his prayers that stopped the Winnipeg General Strike. A Dominion Day miracle!”
At press time, Jones was arguing that the postal workers should be more like Amazon employees, who perform unpaid miracles all the time. “You thought water to wine was impressive? Have you seen an Amazon driver turn a water bottle into a pee bottle?”
Jesus Christ is King
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