BETHESDA, MD—Brightening the day of those least important to her, local man Amanda Langston told reporters Monday that she wasted her good mood on her coworkers. “I cannot believe I squandered this rush of happy feelings on my stupid colleagues,” said Langston, explaining that the period of unusually high spirits from 9 a.m. until noon spent interacting with her fellow employees would have been better utilized on a first date, at a family gathering, or with literally any other people on the planet. “This sort of joie de vivre doesn’t come around often. So when it does, I have to make it count, not fritter it away smiling and collaborating with the people I’m paid to be around. Ugh, I’m never getting those water cooler jokes or perfectly timed compliments back.” At press time, Langston was upset that all she had to show for her jovial state was an increase in workplace productivity.
Jesus Christ is King
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