CANADA — The celebrities who fled the U.S. in horror following Trump’s presidential victory are finding themselves right back where they started: under the tyrannical iron fist of Trump’s authoritarian will. Trump’s surprise announcement to annex Canada has sent ripples through the persecuted celebrity community.
“All those celebrities — all terrible and untalented, by the way — are Americans again,” Trump posted on Truth Social. “I have taken Canada as America’s 51st state. They now live in MAGA country, which is the best country, even if they don’t know that. They don’t have to thank me, but I’ll still say, ‘You’re welcome, celebrities.'”
Several celebrities, including Robert DeNiro, Meryl Streep, and Alec Baldwin are all feeling the heat, each of them concerned they will soon have to get pregnant and wear Handmaid’s Tale uniforms.
“How could it come to this?” Alec Baldwin asked no one. “I was in Cats & Dogs. Everyone loves that movie!”
“This can’t be happening!” Streep reportedly said upon hearing the news. “He’s going to force me to get pregnant!”
Trump pushed back on the negativity. “Don’t be ridiculous, no one is going to get you pregnant, Meryl,” he said, directly addressing Streep’s claims. “You’ll be working in the maple syrup mines with the rest of the menopausal celebrities.”
At publishing time, celebrity Raven-Symoné had started to feel left out after Trump said he had no idea who she was.
A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!
Check out the new, improved, more inclusive D&D.
Jesus Christ is King
Comments are closed.