President Joe Biden has been under fire this week for pardoning his son, Hunter, leaving political experts and the general public wondering what else he might have up his sleeve before leaving office next month.
The Babylon Bee has come into possession of the following secret list of the next ten people Biden is planning to pardon:
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Corn Pop: Even bad dudes deserve a second chance.
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Rian Johnson: Absolving him of any wrongdoing in making The Last Jedi is sure to be controversial.
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Hunter Biden: Again. For any crimes that he might have committed since the last pardon.
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The unnamed person who peed on the Oval Office rug 73 times: Oops, make that 74 times.
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Rob Manfred: The man charged with ruining the game of baseball may end up getting away with it.
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Anyone involved in the production of the 2019 screen adaptation of Cats: Some villains will have to receive their punishment in the world to come.
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The Kansas City Chiefs for crimes against humanity: The team will now never face any consequences for subjecting the world to regular views of Taylor Swift during football games.
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Hunter Biden: And an unnamed drug dealer. And three hookers.
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Peanut the Squirrel: This posthumous pardon may be the most popular move of Biden’s presidency.
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Every Mexican in the world: Even if they didn’t come to the U.S. illegally, they’re still collectively responsible for mariachi music.
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The Gerber baby: For crimes that remain undisclosed.
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The guy who invented Crocs: The pardon is coming just in time, as he is currently on Death Row awaiting execution.
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Hunter Biden: UPDATE — He reportedly just stole the British crown jewels and pawned them for crack money.
As the list above clearly shows, Hunter Biden may be the least controversial criminal receiving a pardon. Who else should Joe pardon? Sound off in the comments below.
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