AUSTIN, TX—In a sweeping prohibition with immediate implications for the Lone Star State’s potential mothers-to-be, Texas banned the sale of luggage to pregnant women Monday. “With this law, we ensure that no gestating woman living in our great state can pack her belongings and escape our will,” Gov. Greg Abbott said upon signing the bill, explaining that the You’re Not Going Anywhere Act outlaws the sale of all suitcases, duffel bags, and backpacks to women without the express consent of at least two male family members or a waiver granted by the governor himself. “Should an expectant woman be found in possession of luggage of any kind—even a small handbag or clutch, which we all know can be used to smuggle mifepristone—she will be subject to the full force of the Texas healthcare system. And rest assured, we have mandated that all luggage sold in the state can only be unlocked with a negative pregnancy test.” At press time, Texas reportedly expanded its ban to include the sale of plane tickets, travel-size shampoo, and gasoline to pregnant women.
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