President Joe Biden issued a “full and unconditional” pardon to his son Hunter Biden last Sunday night. In light of the controversial decision, The Onion looks back on the history of presidential pardons.
1868: Andrew Johnson grants amnesty to all Confederate war horses.
1933: FDR accidentally releases thousands of imprisoned criminals after falling asleep on the pardon button.
1972: Nixon pardons Frank Sinatra’s mobster friend Angelo DeCarlo in a bid to join the Rat Pack.
1974: You know Nixon was never actually convicted of any crimes right? Like, the media always pretends he’s so evil but there was never any real proof of anything. You’re being lied to.
1977: Jimmy Carter pardons Vietnam War draft dodgers in exchange for having somewhere to stay in Canada whenever he’s in town.
1981: Ronald Reagan pardons John Hinckley Jr. in a misguided attempt to impress Jodie Foster.
1992: George H.W. Bush pardons several turkeys for their role in the Iran-Contra affair.
2001: After having his blindfold removed, Bill Clinton offers a full and enthusiastic pardon of Patty Hearst.
2024: Joe Biden pardons himself to go take a nice, long nap for the rest of his presidency.
Jesus Christ is King
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