WASHINGTON—Citing the results of an exhaustive five-year inquiry into the source of the outbreak of social isolation currently plaguing the United States, the Department of Health and Human Services declared Wednesday that Dayton, OH–area loser Bill McCraw was patient zero in the national loneliness epidemic. “Through extensive contact tracing, we’ve confirmed the epidemic of loneliness that has now spread to approximately half of American adults originated with one sad sack 32-year-old,” said Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, adding that the feelings of disconnection and despair gripping the nation began in 2019, when McCraw moved to the Midwest and quickly infected thousands in his vicinity with a forlorn sense of detachment against which they had no natural immunity. “When this friendless weirdo went to the supermarket or his digital marketing job—and those were pretty much the only places he went—people were exposed to his depressing estrangement from the outside world, and they immediately succumbed to it themselves. Just the sight of him walking alone, eager for someone to approach him, was enough to overwhelm a person’s psychological defenses, and a hopeless melancholy soon engulfed the entire country.” At press time, HHS officials had cordoned off the loser’s home in hopes of quarantining him even further in his pathetic solitude.
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