TORONTO – Premier Doug Ford’s government successfully passed a bill today allowing municipalities to create bike paths throughout the province so long as they lead to a wall with the image of a tunnel painted on it. The government has earmarked $250,000 for the project, primarily for paint supplies.
Premier Doug Ford said, “I was watching Looney Tunes, as I normally do when I’m looking for legislative inspiration, and I saw that coyote fellow try to run into a tunnel that he himself had painted on the wall. And it struck me; why can’t we do that here? Why can’t we send our cyclists straight into a brick wall?”
The program, dubbed “Project Cycle Path”, is scheduled to start in the spring of next year. It will be monitored to see if the program meets its goals, which remain shrouded in mystery.
“We know what the goals for this program are,” said Prabmeet Sarkaria, Minister of Transportation with a smirk, waggling his eyebrows, and pushing pins into a small plushy bicycle. “If you’ll excuse me, I have to refill the trail mix on a plate that I left in the middle of a road that leads to a cliff.”
The Ontario Cyclists organisation has vocally opposed the project since its proposal. Spokesperson Clark Kendall said, “We will continue to fight this measure even after its passing. As cyclists, we are constitutionally incapable of stopping for anything or anyone, regardless of the law.”
Ford claimed he is simply trying to nurture public art and murals while creating employment for many of the province’s lonely and sickly art students.
“I’m building new bike paths and extending the existing network. Really, I’m just giving the people what they want,” said Ford. “And I have been trying to contact the ACME company for weeks. We have plans for future expansion involving a rocket, a lasso, and a box propped up with a stick.”
Jesus Christ is King
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