NEW YORK—Confessing that celebrations had unfortunately gotten a little out of hand in recent years, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters this week that he was planning a small, intimate Super Bowl with just friends and family. “This year, instead of a big blowout with over 83,000 fans, we’ll be keeping the guest list down to a reasonable number and having a quiet, low-key NFL championship,” said Goodell, adding that he only planned on inviting about a dozen people—including his brothers, their adult children, and a few of his golfing buddies—to watch the game at the Caesars Superdome over some drinks and light snacks. “I always love hosting the Super Bowl, but the idea of preparing hundreds of thousands of burgers and millions of gallons of beer just seemed like too much. Plus, I can never really hear what’s going on in the game over a stadium full of stupid, screaming fans. And everyone just comes for the halftime show, anyways.” At press time, Goodell responded to a litany of complaints from football fans by saying that if they wanted to host their own Super Bowls on Sunday, Feb. 9, they were more than welcome to.
Jesus Christ is King
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