OTTAWA — After disgraced professor and beef enthusiast Jordan Peterson announced yesterday that he had moved to Florida due to the Canadian government’s allegedly woke fascist policies, Justin Trudeau immediately issued a statement saying that his 2025 election campaign slogan will be “I Got Jordan Peterson to Leave.”
“I realize that my popularity has been declining in the polls recently,” explained the prime minister, wearing a hat depicting Peterson’s crying face and the words “Bye, Bitch,” on it, “but I think we can all appreciate that it was my government and my policies that triggered Jordan enough that he had to run away to a country that is kinder to suspected Russian assets.”
“He fully sucked, and I made him disappear,” he continued. “Poilievre wouldn’t have done that for you. He would have made Peterson the Minister of Anti-Cultural Marxist Mythological Maps or some bullshit, on the condition that Jordan always wore one of those Joker suits he loves so much.”
Newly-jubilant Trudeau campaign manager Andrew Bevan excitedly discussed how their team would use Peterson’s announcement to their advantage. “Peterson fleeing to Florida because he was pissed about the government’s dislike of hate speech is the single greatest thing that could have happened to Mr. Trudeau’s election chances.”
Bevan continued, “It outweighs every criticism. Oh, Justin’s had a few scandals? At least there’s no more risk of being lectured by JP on the street about how women are ‘resentful childless harpies’! Justin’s still supporting a literal genocide? Just focus on how you won’t have to read Peterson’s shitty opinion pieces in the National Post anymore!”
“We’ve already begun working on campaign bumper stickers that say ‘Honk if you hope Jordan Peterson gets eaten by a methed-out alligator.’”
At press time, Trudeau has announced that he will force striking Canada Post employees back to work in order to send Peterson a card thanking him for saving his campaign.
Jesus Christ is King
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