NEW YORK CITY – Times Magazine has announced that Donald Trump has been named in their latest issue as their Person of the year, stretching the definition of “person” to its absolute limit.
“He was born of man, consumes organic resources to fuel respiration, and is capable of rudimentary speech. By the definitions of most biologists and even a few anthropologists, he is technically a ‘person’,” explained Mary Cantrell, Features Editor at Time Magazine. “We feel this is a defensible position.”
Time spokespeople have urged critics to avoid relying on any definitions of what makes someone an actual person espoused by ethicists, moralists, philosophers, historians, religious scholars, or common sense. They also caution readers from listening to any who say that possession of a soul is a prerequisite for personhood.
“Initially we were going to adjust the issue to be ‘Bipedal Organism of the Year’ but then we realized there were thousands of gorillas and chimps, and even a few ostriches, who were just miles ahead of him,” explained Cantrell.
“There was even this one weird dog without forelimbs that just…. I mean blew him out of the water,” Cantrell continued.
Fortunately, the designation of “Person of the Year” does not require the subject to demonstrate any of the typical emotions, intelligence, compassion, or even contributions to society most expect of “people”. Instead, the measure looks to impact on the world which Trump exhibits, in much the same way as the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs.
“We just need people to hold their breath for the next year and we promise we’ll nominate someone who better fits the ‘personhood’ next year. We have our eyes on a few compelling serial arsonists,” Cantrell sighed resignedly.
Fortunately, Time Magazine has committed to avoiding future controversy by proactively reclassifying Elon Musk as a tumor.
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