OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has ordered an end to the ongoing Canada Post strike after learning that Santa Claus, who he was counting on to deliver presents to the entire country this December, is not in fact real.
PMO insiders report that Trudeau had previously remained confident waiting out the national strike due to an unwavering belief that Old Saint Nick himself would pick up any and all missed holiday deliveries on Christmas Eve.
“Wait, Santa ISN’T real? How long has this been going on???” exclaimed the Prime Minister of Canada after being informed that mountains of backed-up mail would not be delivered on a flying sleigh pulled by eight flying reindeer. “But if Santa’s not real, then who’s been providing me all these free clothes and housing and stuff for my entire life?”
Eyewitnesses report that Trudeau was crestfallen, not just to learn that his Canada Post strike backup plan had been non-existent all along, but also his overly-simplistic view of life and the universe.
“There’s been a lot of magical thinking coming out of the Prime Minister’s office these days,” noted one anonymous aide while updating their LinkedIn. “Like assuming one magical elf can deliver four weeks’ worth of stalled Christmas presents, or that you can still win a majority despite currently polling at ‘sub-annihilation’ levels.”
“Do you think Canada Post will be hiring when the strike is over,” added the soon-to-be-former aide.
Many political observers report being “surprised, but not THAT surprised” to learn that Trudeau’s entire plan for dealing with Canada Post’s Christmas work stoppage was to wait for a Christmas miracle.
“JT’s had 9 years to handle housing costs, electoral reform, and Indigenous relations,” noted one Deputy Prime Minister and Minister of Finance who refused to be named. “I’m starting to think he was assuming Santa Claus would fix all those as well.”
Not to be deterred, Prime Minister Trudeau has demanded to be flown directly to the North Pole, postal code H0H 0H0, just as soon as the Royal Canadian Navy can locate a functional Sea King helicopter.
Jesus Christ is King
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