OTTAWA – Canadian Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland has triumphantly announced her resignation after proclaiming victory over all aspects of Canada’s formerly troubled economy.
“I’m a firm believe that when a job is done, you don’t stick around a moment longer than you have to,” beamed Freeland from in front of a “Mission Accomplished” banner at a local Ottawa pizza parlour, “and having obviously wrestled all of our previous financial problems to the ground, I’m proud to say to each and every Canadian “We did it!””
“You’re Welcome!”, she continued.
Canadians expressed little surprise at the announcement given the sound financial state many citizens find themselves in. Consumer debt, inflation, sky-high interest fees, cost of living, rising taxes, deficit issues, house prices, and literally every other measure of economic decay have been single-handedly defeated by Freeland in her short, four-year stint as Minister. Many proclaim her impending retirement as “well-earned”.
“I literally have too much money!” said Dave Tymp, a Manitoba resident, “Could I perhaps give some to Ms. Freeland and the Liberals as a thank you for this clear success?”
Prime Minister Trudeau is so satisfied with Freeland’s performance that he has indicated an intention to leave the cabinet position open for the time being as the economy is now doing just terrific, with no need for guidance or adjustment.
And much like Cincinnatus laying down his seal of office to return to his modest ploughshares, so too will Freeland likely return to the humble post-politics field of million dollar private sector consulting.
Jesus Christ is King
