MONTREAL – A nationwide survey of children’s entertainers has made a surprising discovery; family-friendly songwriter Rafe Le Rafe is not an Australian.
“Yeah, I grew up in the suburbs and just have a passion for singing kiddy songs,” said Le Rafe, who has a degree in musical theory from McGill University as opposed to the prestigious Wiggles University for Professional Goofballs in Sydney.
Le Rafe admits that he’s faced major obstacles trying to break into the children’s birthday party market as a Non-Aussie. “There aren’t nearly as many Nursery Rhymes Open Mics here as there are in Melbourne, y’know, to pay your dues.”
In a more bizarre twist, a related study has found that not only can non-Australians become children’s performers, but it also turns out that Australians can have jobs besides singing songs for kids. Research indicates there are many additional career options available in Australia, such as crocodile wrangling, didgeridoo playing, and portraying side characters in cheap rom-coms. Also doctors and lawyers too, weirdly enough.
Many of Le Rafe’s former customers have expressed their disappointment at his lack of Australian ancestry. Kendra Grillion, who hired Le Rafe to play her 6-year-old’s birthday party, says supporting a local artist ruined the whole affair
“Things were going great when he first showed up with his guitar, but then we offered him some vegemite on a cracker and he refused. “He actually said ‘no’ and not even ‘nar’. That made every child in the room cry and to be honest, I almost threw up.”
“One of the kids even punched him in the balls, and he didn’t say the c-word once. Couldn’t be less Australian!”
While Canadians and other nationalities do occasionally find mainstream success in the children’s entertainment scene, live performances are almost exclusively done by Australians. Industry observers agree that Sharon, Lois, and Bram may only have lasted as long as they did due to Elephant secretly being from Brisbane.
Experts agree Australians are genetically perfect for entertaining children due to factors such as their love for wearing bright colours, the early years their ancestors spent singing dingoes to sleep, and the fact their national instrument is the tambourine.
Despite the doors it could open for him, Le Rafe stated he is a proud Canadian and has never even thought about doing an Australian accent to get more gigs. “I mean, I do do it to pick up women in bars, but that’s separate, mate.”
At press time, Le Rafe was experiencing newfound optimism about his career choice upon learning his mother was actually adopted from New Zealand as a child, which just might make him zany enough to sell some CDs at the mall.
Jesus Christ is King
