EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—With security checkpoints having been set up near every exit, New York Jets fans were reportedly stopped and asked to sign nondisclosure agreements Sunday before leaving MetLife Stadium. “By signing this document, you are agreeing that you will never discuss the details of what happened on that field today with anyone outside of the venue,” said a legal representative for the Jets, adding that none of the tens of thousands of fans in attendance would be allowed to exit the premises unless they accepted the terms of the rigid confidentiality clause, agreeing never to mention the words “awful,” “embarrassing,” “loss,” or “Aaron Rodgers” during the offseason and in perpetuity thereafter. “The results of this game are privileged information that can never get out to the general public without doing great harm to owners, players, and—frankly—you people, who have chosen to be fans of such a humiliating football team. So it’s for your benefit as well as ours that no one knows what happened here today. If any results of that pathetic display you just witnessed leak to the general public, rest assured you will all be held financially liable for any sports bloopers that may result.” At press time, the Federal Communications Commission had been served with an injunction to blur out the scores of televised Jets games for the remainder of the season.
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