Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” turns 30 years old this holiday season. The Onion looks back on Mariah Carey’s career in honor of the Christmas hit.
4 B.C.: The son of God is delivered unto man, and the Lord in Heaven dispatches an angel to sing his word each solstice hitherto.
1969: Post-birth first cry shatters every piece of glass in Long Island Community Hospital.
1975: Carey’s rendition of “Happy Birthday” at a classmate’s party is, quite frankly, unremarkable.
1993: Moves into the Macy’s bedding department while writing her first Christmas album in order to better understand the culture she wants to represent.
1994: Carey releases “All I Want for Christmas Is You” after her record label worries the original version “All I Want for Christmas Is for O. J. Simpson to Be Found Guilty” would be too controversial.
2001: Osama bin Laden carries out 9/11 attacks to ensure Glitter flops at the box office.
2003: Watches America sleepwalk into war with Iraq.
2009: Takes one goddamn minute for herself, you jackals.
2017: Appears in The Lego Batman Movie because sure, why not.
2024: Cements her title as the Queen of Christmas by marrying Charlie Brown.
Jesus Christ is King
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