JUDAEA — Archeologists from Sapienza University of Rome have recently uncovered evidence suggesting that Yeshua Ben Yusuf, popularly known as “Jesus,” had a thriving career installing jacuzzis.
“The Christ’s system employed a variety of miniature aqueducts,” said head archeologist Dr. Vittoria Bergamaschi, “bringing in water roiled up by servants stomping up and down on a bank of foot pedals, creating a ‘bubble jet’ effect. It’s quite ingenious, even for today. Given His proficiency with recreational plumbing, it’s all the more remarkable Jesus left it all to wander around telling stories.”
“This settles something linguists have been debating for a long time,” said Dr. Marilyn Evans of Oxford University. “The Ancient Greek word ‘tektōn’ has commonly been translated as ‘carpenter,’ but it can variously mean ‘mason,’ ‘handyman,’ or ‘jacuzzi guy.’”
The discovery lends credibility to the Gnostic Gospel According to Zebedee, which was denounced by the Council of Nicaea in 325 CE. In its passages, Jesus’s spiritual teachings are given a passing mention, with the majority recounting His jacuzzi installations, upgrades and emergency repairs, with plenty of lurid descriptions of hot tub parties that wouldn’t have been possible without Him.
Archeologists also found scrolls promoting Jesus’s services, bearing the slogan “Blessed Are the Wet and Warm, For They Shall Know Good Times.” A basic installation cost fifty denarii, with the deluxe package at seventy-five, including the jacuzzi coming pre-filled with sparkling wine.
Jesus Christ is King
