CONNECTICUT – A devastating explosion at Frito-Lays’ Cheetos factory last Thursday – which has left 82 wounded and 27 still missing – was insensitively categorized as a level “dangerously cheesy” incident, according to the International Snack Explosion Event Scale.
“The incident rating is in poor taste, much like the Cheetos themselves,” says media commentator Jesse Knight. “There’s a time and a place for comments like that, and while it may seem like the perfect time and place, it is not.”
Dr. Thomas Higgins, who is the creator of the International Snack Explosion Event Scale, insists that the rating is simply coincidental. “Look, when cheese reaches an internal temperature of 300F – as it did in this case – that’s when its impact can become dangerous,” says Dr. Higgins. “It’s unfortunate that the term for this is ‘dangerously cheesy,” but I assure you the naming convention is purely scientific and unrelated to the Cheetos brand.”
While Dr. Higgins was unwilling to share the other scale ratings, investigators found that some were listed as “hot,” “flamin’ hot,” and “flamin’ hot: crunchy.” The scale was also annotated with a small cheetah wearing sunglasses.
“It’s almost as if he got hold of some Cheetos promotional materials and used them to make his so-called ‘scale,’” says Knight. “Where’s the respect? Workers emerged from that explosion with third degree burns, just covered in that sticky cheese dust. I think we all know how hard that is to wash off. They may never make a full recovery.”
In his defense, Dr. Higgins said, seemingly with sincerity: “I do feel for the workers – I’ve seen the difficult rehabilitations first-hand. It ain’t easy being cheesy.”
This isn’t the first time Dr. Higgins has faced criticism. Last year alone, he listed a small fire at the Kellogg’s Rice Krispies outlet as a “Snap, Crackle, Pop” event, and a Campbell’s Soup Factory electrical fire as devastation level “Uh-oh SpaghettiOs.”
In response to public backlash, Dr. Higgins has agreed to undergo sensitivity training and to revise his scale ratings to be “more general” and “devoid of commercial ties”. Fire severity categories are currently being workshopped as levels “regular, wavy, BBQ, and Smokin’ Hot BBQ.”
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