In Lieu Of Coal, Santa Gives Naughty Children Season Tickets For The Chicago White Sox
U.S. — Horrified kids across the United States were reportedly left severely disappointed yesterday, as they discovered that Santa Claus had updated his longtime policy and, in lieu of coal, had given naughty children tickets to Chicago White Sox games.
The children who had spent the past year misbehaving were devastated to open their Christmas stockings yesterday morning in search of toys, candy, and games only to find that they had been gifted front-row seats to watch the White Sox play.
“I may have been naughty, but I wasn’t bad enough to deserve this,” said 9-year-old Ethan Smith. “I felt ok about disobeying my parents since I just expected to get the usual lump of coal in my stocking. But White Sox tickets? That has to qualify as cruel and unusual punishment. Messed up, Santa.”
Parents throughout the country said their naughty children were similarly dismayed upon receiving their White Sox tickets. “This might be what finally makes my son change his ways,” said Charlie Davis, father to an unruly 8-year-old boy from Arkansas. “He knows he hasn’t been behaving the right way, but having to go to a White Sox game is the wake-up call he needed. We’ll see if he pulls the same shenanigans this coming year when he knows this will be the result. I just hope the White Sox game doesn’t scar him for the rest of his life.”
At publishing time, parents had begun warning their kids that continued disobedience and naughtiness in 2025 may lead to their stockings being filled with Chicago Bears tickets next year.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he’s hanging up the hat for good.
Jesus Christ is King
