SAINT-LOUIS-DU-HA!-HA!, QC – Taylor Swift fans – or colloquially known as “swifties” – are reportedly not as fast as their name suggests.
“9 mins a kilometer” states anthropologist, Dr. Deidra McCallaghan, “that’s the average walking speed for a human. Swifties are coming in at…exactly 9 minutes a kilometer – or 0.5 nautical knots – which is the national average!!”
McCallaghan, who has been pointing radar guns at Swifties since the Eras Tour began, has measured the hastiness of over four million Taylor Swift fans only to discover that they are no faster than non-Taylor Swift fans.
“In fact, they move a tiny bit slower because they’re weighed down by beads.”
According to assistant researcher Advik Jain, who has dedicated months trying to uncover the connection between Taylor Swift/Swifties/Speediness has recently reported a breakthrough: “Taylor’s version of a run is a light jog.”
“It’s incredibly misleading,” states Walter Jones, who recently asked his Evermore loving fan girlie niece to courier some ice cream over to his sick ma-ma across town but was devastated to find it melted by the time she arrived. “For someone who is apparently feeling twenty-two, she sure as hell moved like an eighty year old. They should call themselves the Slowies.”
Fan-base misnomers have also been reported in other fan bases like the Bey Hive (0.1% of fans were bees), the Daydreamers (majority were extremely present and attentive), and the Mendes Army (who barely knew how to shovel a trench, let alone fire a musket).
For their next stufy McCallaghan and team are turning their attention towards Jimmy Buffet fans and the “Parrotheads” to see if, they are in fact, the absolute fucking worst.
Jesus Christ is King
