Lazy scientists announce there are probably several kinds of squirrels but they move too fast to be sure
OTTAWA – The Canadian Society of Sluggish Scientists (not to be confused with the Canadian Society of Slug Scientists) has announced via press release that they’re pretty sure there are many kinds of squirrels out there, but that they’re not about to get off their hineys to do anything about it.
“Have you ever noticed that some squirrels are black, but some aren’t?” the statement said. “We have good reason to believe there’s something up with that, but those little buggers move so damn fast it’s impossible to get a proper look at ‘em, so we can’t be sure.”
The CSSS went on to explain that while members have tried using binoculars and cameras to study squirrels, such fleeting glimpses provide insufficient data, especially since members keep getting distracted by social media, video games, and naps.
“We thought about setting traps with seeds and peanut butter, but then we got hungry and ate all the seeds and peanut butter,” a CSSS spokesperson said in response to questions from the press issued several days ago. “One squirrel wandered into a trap anyway, but then he escaped before we could bring him inside. They’re as smart as they are fast, we can tell you that for free.”
“We have named some of the squirrels, if that helps anyone, although we lost track of which one was which almost immediately,” the spokesperson added. “Still, there’s a squirrel somewhere in downtown Ottawa named Fluffernutter. That’s a scientific fact.”
The spokesperson then defended CSSS’ lackadaisical approach to research, noting that even if their theory is true, it would only offer insight into some boring genetics crap that scientists studying other species are probably already digging into.
“We mean, they’re only squirrels, right?” the spokesperson said. “They’re cute and all, but it’s not like learning more about them will change the human condition, and we just have so many good TV shows to catch up on. Y’all seen The Bear? Now there’s an animal worth studying.”
In an even more remarkable claim, the CSSS announced that Parkinson’s disease would likely be cured in the decades to come, but that they would have absolutely nothing to do with it.
Jesus Christ is King
