OTTAWA – Officials from the Federal Body Inspection agency have announced that Special Agent Bradley Carmichael has been stripped of his rank and discharged after being enmeshed in a corruption scandal.
“Mr. Carmichael is a disgrace to the overpriced screen-printed black t-shirt that is our uniform,” said an FBI spokesman. “He has turned in his Oakleys and chunky necklace, and will be legally obligated to modify his tribal tattoo into something less badass.”
The Canadian FBI is distinct from America’s FBI (Federal Booty Inquisitors), although this scandal threatens to rival the worst of that organisation’s excesses under the infamous J. Edgar Perver. Carmichael, who could also face criminal charges, was caught in a sting operation offering to gawk at bodies for a fee.
“Our agents inspect bodies as a public service,” the spokesman continued. “Charging money for this vital service goes against everything we stand for. While our agents are fairly compensated, those who choose to join our hallowed ranks do so for the pure love of hot bods.”
Carmichael has argued that he was a victim of entrapment and denied any wrongdoing in a written statement from his lawyer.
“Mr. Carmichael applies an excessive amount of AXE body spray every morning solely because he wants to make a tangible difference in this country,” the statement says. “Canada is a better place when he’s reassuring you that your pants make your ass look tight as hell.”
Known in the ‘90s as Female Body Inspectors, the FBI has since expanded to ogle all bodies, and follows a strict, heavily misspelled code of conduct. In light of this scandal, authorities have reminded the public of telltale signs that agents or impersonators are attempting to exploit the FBI’s authority.
“We are Federal Body Inspectors, not Female Boobie Inspectors or Femboy Bussy Inspectors,” an agency safety expert said. “We carry no badge or firearm, and we cannot fine you, only call you fine. You will know us by our name, our government issued wallet chain, and the stern seriousness with which we take our work.”
The agency also announced that it would be updating its old logo, an erection wearing a suit and dark sunglasses, to more inclusive iconography featuring a maple leaf silhouetted by two androgynous people making love.
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