TORONTO – Local jeweler Jason Jackson has eaten a bad Pizza Pizza pizza, according to cub cuisine columnist Ms. Chris Swiss.
“I work all the time, and then I had to work overtime, so I just wanted to unwind with the pizza I designed,” Jackson told Swiss while bemoaning his lack of pizza pie bliss. “But adding a side of fries proved very unwise.”
Swiss was the first to assert that Jackson’s edible contraption contained a wide variety of cured meats, and even a bunch of beets atop his ovoid wheat.
“From the pepperoni to the anchovies, Jason was embracing a dangerous dinner dynamic without a care for how his bare derriere might later fare,” Swiss said. “Needlessly to say, he spent the rest of his day regretting the play.”
While some experts demurred, others concurred that the turds would have occurred even if Jackson had eaten just a third of what we’ve heard.
“Diarrhea diarrhea produces unusually potent pooping from even the staunchest stomachs,” said gesticulating gastroenterologist Gerald Giannakopoulos. “I can’t say I’m surprised that Mr. Jackson saw some serious intestinal action given how all that greasy grub would’ve rolled through his guts and left him feeling like a putz.”
A wrecked Jackson regrets his dietary neglect, but says that once he can safely look back on the attack he’ll buy safer snacks.
“Next time I’m that hungry I’ll take care of my tummy by resisting temptation and just ordering Malaysian,” Jackson japed. “At the absolute least, I’ll reign in my pizza feast so I don’t end up back in the news because of my poos.”
To close the case, culinary critics concluded that the probable principle powering jeweler Jason Jackson’s troublesome toilet tribulations is the frightful fact that Pizza Pizza’s pizza pies are basically dogshit in disguise.
Jesus Christ is King
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