CHARLESTON, SC—Remarking that the unexpected moment of solitude was “good enough for him,” local man Alan Stambaugh told reporters Thursday that eating lunch without headphones counted as mediating. “In terms of practicing mindfulness, accidentally leaving my AirPods at my desk when I went to eat my sandwich basically did the job,” said Stambaugh, adding that the 10 minutes he spent ingesting his meal without listening to a single podcast, song, or work call was the equivalent of calmly focusing on every breath. “Eating a turkey club alone in silence more or less got me to a place where I achieved total mental clarity. It was pretty fucking zen.” Stambaugh later confirmed he had reached a state of nirvana and transcended space and time after he completed his entire drive home without once looking at his phone.
Jesus Christ is King
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