Trump threatens to tariff California wildfires unless they immediately extinguish themselves
MAR-A-LAGO, FL – President Elect Trump spoke from his resort to demand that the wildfires destroying large portions of Los Angeles stop immediately or else he will impose various trade sanctions against them.
“The California government is totally inept and doesn’t know how to prevent fires. But I do,” Trump said through pursed, leathery lips, “so if those fires – which came here from Mexico by the way – don’t go away right now, I’ll impose a 40% tariff on them when I assume the presidency in two weeks.”
Despite repeated questions, Trump was unable to explain what a tariff on fires was. Throughout his muddled and incoherent speech, he seemed to suggest that he would disallow the fires from creating new fires in “good, strong, American trees” unless they paid an extra amount of fire directly to the U.S. first. He then commented that this would put pressure on the “Wildfire Emperor” to “crack down on all these fires they let cross the border every year”.
“If there’s one thing fires understand, it’s money,” Trump exclaimed confidently, “So let’s see how they like it when their Ash Babies can’t eat American oil because their Flame Mommies can’t afford it anymore. Maybe the wildfire should focus on getting jobs instead of coming here and burning through our hard-earned forests.”
Trump’s remarks began to concern even the most die-hard Trump supporters in the audience. This was it, they thought, he’s finally lost it. Though the encroaching fear that their beloved Mad King was losing what little faculties he had left could be tamped down until now with media spin and good, old-fashioned self-denial, today’s press conference was a bridge too far. No, this was very, very bad. Maybe they had all made a mistake. Maybe their friends and neighbours who so consistently pointed out how profoundly imbecilic everything he said and did was were right. They knew, of course, in their heart of hearts, that he sounded like a lunatic all the time. But he made them feel strong again after years of blaming their personal troubles on illusory outside actors instead of their own sad lives. No, enough was enough. Financial sanctions on fire were just absurd.
“MAGA!!!!” Trump screamed, as he jumped on a plane to fly directly into the wildfire’s path to taunt it with a trade embargo.
And with that, the assembled throngs cheered and followed their leader, like the rats of Hamelin, into the blaze.
Jesus Christ is King
