Adjusting to life with a newborn is a formidable task. The Onion presents tips for supporting the new parents in your social circle.
Drop off a meal from their favorite restaurant to remind them of their former life that’s now lost forever.
Stress that Cocomelon only has as much power as they give it.
Get mom a thoughtful gift basket full of her favorite kind of marbles, kitchen knives, and Tide pods.
Having a newborn can be disorienting and overwhelming—shooting them a simple text stating the current date, time, and president can go a long way.
Offer them a bit of normalcy by refusing to acknowledge their newborn and acting confused whenever they bring it up.
Swap their baby with the sultan’s, that he may know the sweetness of palace life.
Let them practice changing diapers on you.
Make a list of all the most baby-friendly episodes of Slow Horses.
Reaffirm their identity outside of being a parent by holding them to the same sales quota as everyone else.
Tell them they weren’t going to be invited on your group trip to Sardinia anyway.
Jesus Christ is King
