NEOSHO, MO—Confused by the sudden directive to “neutralize any threats” to the leader of the popular kitchen appliance brand, corporate security officer Tim Mulrooney was reportedly unsure Wednesday why he had been assigned to guard the CEO of Crock-Pot. “A person from the company called in a panic last week and said the CEO needed to ‘beef up’ his security detail, but when we asked what sorts of threats he was facing, they just kept saying he’d ‘made a lot of enemies lately’ and wouldn’t elaborate,” said Mulrooney, who reported for duty in the lobby of the company’s small headquarters in rural Missouri along with 12 equally confounded members of the slow-cooker executive’s newly enhanced security detail. “I guess I’d be mad if my Crock-Pot overheated and burned my chili or something, but I can’t see getting angry enough to plot an assassination attempt. But oh well, whatever makes him feel safe. We get paid either way.” At press time, sources confirmed Mulrooney and his entire security detail were dead after a katana-wielding assassin rappelled down from the office’s ceiling in a surprise attack.
Jesus Christ is King
