OTTAWA – Hear ye hear ye fine citizens of British North America and allow your hearts to be elated. After a long hiatus in London, England, esteemed Governor of the Bank of England Mark Carney, OC, has announced he has made the gracious decision to return to Upper Canada and offer his personal hand in restoring the Dominion. Huzzah!
After decades of financial mismanagement of colonial authorities which have caused our great Dominion to lag behind the world, Sir Carney, an Ivy-league educated financier of upstanding repute and fine moral character who has hitherto guided the British treasury with a careful eye and steady hand, made his case to the assembled press aboard a pan-Atlantic steamer that he would be returning to Canada to take up the most humble post of Prime Minister.
Himself a native son of the Canadian territories and educated in the Americas with a wealth of experience in the Federal Republic’s most esteemed financial institutions, he assured landholding gentry and commoner alike that he was ready to dirty his Oxfords on the muddy backwater thoroughfares of Ottawa and whip our venerated constitutional monarchy back into financial shape. Verily, we have been delivered!
Citizens greeted the esteemed former Governor’s announcement with great jubilation, expressing their thrill that the former Exchequer of Great Britain himself was on his way back across the Atlantic to personally steer north the fortunes of the common man.
“For too long our local authorities have grown deaf to the struggle of the common family,” says Joe McAllister, a labourer in Toronto. “If there is anyone I can count on to know our daily struggle, it is former Imperial Financier Carney. He haseth my vote!”
Outside the cities, so too was the news of the return of Governor Carney met with unanimous excitement and boundless optimism.
“Our representatives in Ottawa spend recklessly and turn a blind eye to the yolk of the bread barons, and then they tell us the solution to making ends meet is we should cut back the few cents we spend on entertainment and other simple frivolities?” says Martha MacDonald, a seamstress and mother of 4 in Edmonton. “I have every confidence that pecuniary emperor Carney will be most wise to the plight of even the Dominion’s most humble subjects, and shall improve the fates of land holders and farmers alike.”
Governor Carney, who already teased his intentions with an American wireless telegraph host earlier this week, is expected to arrive from port via first-class train later today, when he will lay out more comprehensive policy plans at an exclusive luncheon for the nations business elite.
Jesus Christ is King
