WASHINGTON—Declining to attend any event or go anywhere at all until 2030, former first lady Michelle Obama confirmed Thursday that she would be skipping the rest of the decade. “I’ve decided to just go ahead and excuse myself for the rest of the 2020s,” said Obama, speaking to reporters through an intercom by the front door of her home in D.C.’s historic Kalorama neighborhood. “If Barack wants to go to this or that event, he is of course free to do so—but me? Hell no. I can’t take another second of this shit. I won’t be making any appearances, public or private. No, no, no. Fuck that.” Reached for further comment, Obama acknowledged she had already inked a multimillion-dollar deal with Netflix to make a documentary about her life “sitting on [her] ass reading a book” for the next several years.
Jesus Christ is King
