MARTHA’S VINEYARD — According to sources, Barack Obama has filed for divorce from his wife Michelle after discovering she is actually a woman.
“I’ve been wrong…so wrong,” the former president confessed to a few close friends soon after his realization. “I mean, it’s a little embarrassing to realize that I’ve been thinking Michelle’s name was ‘Michael’ this whole time, but what’s worse is that she’s not actually one of the ga — excuse me, one of the guys, like us. I can’t believe I actually fell for a woman.”
Reports from the Obama household had previously indicated that the pair were experiencing some conflicts, but the new revelation has brought matters to a head.
“And all this time, I thought Michelle was just like me,” Barack Obama complained bitterly. “Just…like…me. Ugh.”
While the couple have shared intensely similar views on life, politics, and Kwanzaa traditions for over 30 years, Barack Obama has remained resolute in his decision to divorce Michelle Obama for her “irreconcilable differences.”
At publishing time, Barack Obama had texted Tim Walz and Doug Emhoff to see if either of them was interested in coming over to his mansion “for a few drinks and just chillin’.”
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