President-elect Donald Trump has expressed his interest in buying Greenland, an idea he first floated back in 2019. The Onion examines the pros and cons of the U.S. acquiring the country.
PRO: New Indigenous people to wrong
CON: Feels immoral to do anything that makes the Danes richer
PRO: Would increase domestic supply of ice caps to melt
CON: Full of foreigners
PRO: Would make Alaska jealous
CON: The Great American Melting Pot is still adjusting to the Scots-Irish
PRO: Can finally sate America’s appetite for pickled fish
CON: 51 stars is a little gaudy, don’t you think?
PRO: Immigrant camps have to go somewhere
CON: Vacation to Greenland no longer considered exotic
PRO: USA! USA! USA!
CON: Björk from Iceland
Jesus Christ is King
