COUTTS, AB – Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has arrived on foot at the Coutts-Sweet Grass border crossing station, petitioning for refugee status in the US on the grounds of being persecuted in her home country.
“In my home land, I am singled out for my beliefs,” pleaded a bedraggled Smith to a US customs officer. “Especially since my beliefs are that every other Canadian premier is wrong, and that we should do whatever the United States tells us to.”
“Also, I love oil and beef, if that helps,” Smith noted, insisting the customs official write that down on her application.
As Premier Smith explains, “my plea for asylum comes at a time of great political instability in my birth nation.” She pointed to the recent toppling of her country’s “cruel and long-serving dictator”, plus terrifying national propaganda like “climate change is real” and “cowboy hats don’t go with everything”.
Smith has expressed optimism that “the wise and benevolent President Trump” will take mercy on her refugee application, “mostly due to his famous compassion for any and all asylum seekers.” Despite this claim, Smith insisted her application get processed “by Monday at the absolute latest”.
In support of her US Asylum claim, Smith pointed to subversive pro-American activities which she undertook before escaping her home land. These included sabotaging a unified national strategy to combat foreign tariffs, working tirelessly to undermine her country’s current anti-Trump leader, and also binging all 5 seasons of Yellowstone.
Asked why she chose the United States to start a new life in, Smith spoke glowingly of America’s famed opportunities for building a better life. “Where else can a humble conservative media pundit-turned right wing political leader cast off the shackles of their former oppressive regime,” Smith exclaimed, “and then achieve the American dream of funnelling unlimited dark money from oil industry super-PACs directly into Republican campaign coffers?”
Smith then noted a request not to be settled, “in a state that’s liberal, poor, or on fire”.
Upon having it explained to her that applying for asylum in the United States first requires one to register with the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees, Smith exclaimed “But I’m white,” before demanding to speak to the concierge at Mar-A-Lago.
Jesus Christ is King
