EVERETT, WA – The manufacturers of the inexplicably popular Funko Pop figures have announced that they have finally fixed the design flaw that allowed the dolls to suck the astral being out of a human body.
“After a discussion with our consultants from the Vatican, we think we have figured out the problem,” Funko’s CEO Cynthia Williams said in a press release. “Turns out we weren’t soaking them in the right amount of holy water. A few adjustments in production and they should go back to being the creepy doll that everyone loves, which also makes you hear the screams of the damned when you touch their heads.”
Some consumers argue that this new improvement to Funko Pop figures is too little and too late. Jenna Waltz, who spent the last 5 years trapped inside a Harley Quinn Funko Pop and is one of the few survivors of such an ordeal, is launching a class action lawsuit.
“It was bad enough when toy manufacturers didn’t warn us that making a pentacle on our Lite-brights would turn them into portals to hell, but now we have to worry about this? We need to hold these manufacturers accountable, or it could be your kid that gets Jumanjied next!”
The ability to suck out a human soul is just one of many questions consumers have about the mouthless plastic Funko abominations. To date, the Funko Pop company has not answered whether or not the giant Funko Pops outside their flagship store collect a piece of the soul of everyone who enters, if the souls absorbed by a Funko based on a living person then empower that person, or if having a soul inside a figure increases or decreases the resale value.
At press time, Funko’s legal team was arguing that this is a very good reason why they haven’t hired a witch to work as a product lead since.
Jesus Christ is King
