WASHINGTON—Wanting to ensure his closest companion in the world got a good view of the inauguration proceedings, Elon Musk held up his AI girlfriend app so she could see, sources confirmed Monday. “Take it all in, Jasmine, my sweet—this is a day we’ll tell our children about,” Musk said as he slowly panned his phone’s front camera across the throngs of onlookers, occasionally tilting the screen so he could glimpse the amazement playing over Jasmine’s unnaturally glossy features. Bystanders reported that the virtual companion—who had been generated from the keywords ‘White, Busty, Obedient, Redhead’—then began glitching in a way that made her appear as a set of floating teeth and eyeballs, prompting Musk to relaunch the app and gently chide her for not behaving herself in front of his very good friend, the president. At press time, the pair had reportedly gotten into a blowout fight after Jasmine intercepted an anatomically impossible nude from one of Musk’s other girlfriend apps.
Jesus Christ is King
